Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
