Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
