remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
