man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
