Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
