"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
