I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
