This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
All I want is dick and wine.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
