actually, I'm a sock model
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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