wat bout pragnant strippers??
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you made out with another girl for some wings
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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