i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
