dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
