Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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