you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize