he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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