1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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