Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
