Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
