She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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