you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
