I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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