This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
