he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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