I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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