i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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