I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
