she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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