I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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