I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize