we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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