addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
