So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
