Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
