can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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