I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize