I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
