mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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