I wish my penis had an off switch
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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