Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
