Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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