Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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