i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
