I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
is wine microwaveable?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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