I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize