I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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