It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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