1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
