I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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