I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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