fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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