Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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