Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
