chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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