I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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