I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
