how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
