Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize