when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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