After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Sober January is a disaster.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
