What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
