I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize