The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
