I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
