Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
