My cat gives me a boner
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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