apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize