I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
